I'm History

Several weeks ago I needed to find out when I first started to interest myself with magic. I found that detail in my diary from age 16. I've been keeping a diary since I was about 12 years old, writing something almost every day. I lost the first book, covering ages 12 to 15. The rest of the diaries, from mid 1992 onwards, are still in my possession.

Besides the small detail about beginning my magical path (03 October 1992 bought a pentagram earring, 18 October 1992 started researching about the Occult) - I discovered a few other things that startled me. I read my thoughts from twelve-thirteen years ago, noticing how patterns formed slowly. Funny, today I fight in the skin of my teeth to break these patterns. I got reminded of people whose faces I forgot. Long lost feelings. Long lost loves and fears. Books I read, movies I saw, songs, hopes, wishes and dreams.

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted a life filled with music. I wanted to travel, to go to university, to learn as many European languages as my brain can take, to fall madly in love with extraordinary foreign men, to live in the city. I wanted to see the Duomo of Milan, the cathedral of Koeln, the streets of Florence, and countless castles across Europe. I wanted to be free. Free of wifehood, free of motherhood, free of Judaism, free of my family, my home village and my roots.

And I did all that. I got a job as a journalist in a heavy metal magazine. I lived and breathed for rock concerts. I traveled to Greece, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, The Netherlands, Belgium and Italy. I saw more castles, palaces and old fortresses than I can remember. My breath stopped outside the Duomo of Milan. At the Loreley in Germany I got a new name. The name by which most of you reading this today know me. In Florence it rained, my (foreign) boyfriend was sulking, but I was in paradise. I loved madly too. Twice. Both of them were foreign. Both of them broke my heart.

I speak five European languages. I intend to learn more. I went to university. Only third or fourth in my family to do that. Had to take a break between the first and second degrees due to financial reasons, which wasn't in the plan, but I'm still on that path too. And while still living in the old village, and very attached to my family, I am also not entirely one of them anymore. I'm a witch, and fey, and I've seen too much of the world.

And I'm free of wifehood, and free of motherhood. Boy, did I get that one wish wrong.